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Jezebel Pride – The Scrawlings of a Satanic Sweetheart

Welcome to my first blog post! A few years ago, someone told me I was just too nice to be a Satanist.

They seemed shocked that someone who identifies with the Adversary would work in a healing profession, teach empowerment workshops and provide a safe place for addicts and alcoholics in recovery. I didn’t fit into their stereotypical picture of what a Satanist should look like or how they should behave.

Many people hear the word “Satanist” and immediately the picture of a black clad figure pops into their mind. People picture death metal t-shirts, gothic costumes and long flowing robes made of black satin and covered with the blood of sacrificed virgins.

Seriously, have you ever tried to get virgin blood out of a satin robe???

With JezebelPride.com I will do my best to dispel the myths and misconceptions of what it is to be a Satanist.  You will be able to mull over my musings, read my rantings and join me in chewing the fat while we discuss what it means to be a Sober, Satanic Woman.  

So buckle up Buttercup! You are about to take a written road trip through the Inferno with your favorite Satanic Sweetheart, your Adversarial Auntie, your BFF with a Devilish Boo who sits high in Low Places. 

It’s going to be one Hell of a ride…

When Words Fail Us, Art Finds a Way: The Story of a Recovery Art Show

I recently had an idea to curate a recovery themed art show. In my mind I saw artists of many talents expressing their journey of recovery through all the many different mediums that art allows. It was my hope that this art show would spur dialogue between people in order to make recovery from addiction a possibility for someone who never believed it to be obtainable. I found a quote by Pablo Picasso which seemed fitting for a show with this subject in mind. “Every act of creation begins with an act of destruction”. It was relatable to creating a piece of art as well as building a functional life out of the chaos of addiction.

I shared my idea with two friends and they saw the vision of what I was trying to achieve.  We met in the gallery space of Magus Books and Herbs, the local occult bookstore in Minneapolis where the show would be held, and came up with a plan to make it happen.  First we chose a date.  Once that was in place we laid out a plan which included the call for artists, deadlines for submissions and requirements for art and artist statements.  There was so much to consider. I had never been a part of curating an art show, but my friends had done it before.  Letting them take the reins on this was easy.  We all had the same vision in mind and they knew how to reach the goal of making it happen.

That allowed me to focus on my goal of creating a piece for the show that depicted my recovery and how my life changed because of it. I played around with different mediums, since I dabble in quite a few, and finally settled on a tape sculpture. It is a fun medium to work with, but I didn’t see the metaphorical references to my recovery until the piece began to take shape.

I decided that I wanted to show the weight of my addictions and how I was able to rise out of the darkness into the light.  The form I saw in my head consisted of two human figures.  The figure on the bottom would be on its hands and knees with head hanging low.  The second figure would be rising upwards from the heart area of the bottom figure with its arms outwards and head upwards.  I wanted this piece to represent both the heavy and dark energy that one feel caught up in when lost in addiction, as well as the freedom of release when one is able to find a way overcome it. 

I spent a weekend with my son and his sweetie in Chicago, and she volunteered to be my model for the sculpture. We spent hours together in my son’s apartment, her, wearing barely nothing and me intently covering her torso and limbs with layers of packing tape while my son yelled at the video game he was playing. Luckily he’s used to me doing weird art projects like this. She, on the other hand, couldn’t imagine her mom doing a project like this. My son would occasionally put the remote control down and scratch her itchy nose or find the end of the tape roll for me. A family that creates together sticks together. Once the pieces were all formed and she was freed from them, I carefully packed them up and headed home. Once home, the building started.

I have a roommate. He’s a really nice guy, and he understands the quirks of living with a woman like me. My art collection leans to the erotic or the Satanic. I often have meetings of the Left Hand Path and Witch community in the living room. You just never really know who or what you are going to see at my house. He posted the following photograph on his Instagram one evening when he came home to find this on the table on the front porch.

The large inflatable penis in the background only added to the confusion he must have felt, but the photo shows the structure I had to build as part of the process of creating the base figure.  A seven foot structure made out of something as thin as tape needs a structure to support it, and I made this one out of ¾ inch PVC tubing, using different connectors to piece together the angles needed to fit the form. 

I wanted the figure at the bottom of the structure to portray the murky, heavy energy of addiction, so I chose to stuff this figure with black tissue paper. I didn’t realize how hard I would be hit by the act of stuffing this dark paper into a human figure. As I watched the limbs and torso fill with the black wads of paper, I was reminded of all the times I swallowed what I was really feeling. Pushing the paper through the hole I left in the heart of this figure where the top piece would attach, I was overwhelmed with knowing all the times I denied myself something as simple as love. By the time I finished stuffing the head of this figure full of blackness I had tears pouring down my face, because I was remembering every negative thought I directed at myself; every idea I had that I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t good enough to be loved even by myself. I stuffed fear into my stomach. I crammed loathing into my belly. My knees were full of things I thought I could never forgive myself for and my feet full of things I could never walk away from as long as I stayed trapped under the weight of this illness.

I’ve heard the phrase “art heals” at least 100 times. As I stood back and looked at her I felt a wave of healing come over me. Maybe healing isn’t quite the right word. Maybe it was forgiveness? Even that doesn’t seem quite right. I’m having a hard time finding the exact words to fit the description of what I was feeling; maybe because it’s a feeling too complex to be summed up in words. This figure, in the shape of a woman became me.

More metaphors became clear as I worked on the top figure. She was the representation of the Phoenix; the rising out of the darkness. Her energy was lighter, as the tape is translucent, and she glowed with the sunlight coming through the windows of the front porch. I left her empty, but she was full of possibilities.

Each layer of tape I placed on her represented another piece of me holding myself together as I rebuilt my life. One arm curved upwards, and the other arched towards the earth like the Baphomet, in an expression of “as above, so below”. It became evident to me that this symbolized Solve et Coagula; to dissolve and to make whole again. Each part of this sculpture had to be separated from the model and reassembled in a different location, symbolizing how I wasn’t the same person at this point in my recovery journey as I was when I began it. Her head was tilted to one side, yet she was gazing upwards. In this gesture she seemed to acknowledge her past as she was looking towards her future. She was balanced on the toes of one foot while the other leg gracefully kicked back behind her. This added to the feeling of weightlessness. She was spinning out of the heavy darkness of her past and rising upwards to the light.

The show was amazing. There were five artists represented, including myself. Each one of us created a piece that depicted our healing journey. It wasn’t until I saw all of us together in one room that I realized the bravery it took to be a part of this show. Not only were each of us stepping into a public forum with our art work, we were also making our addiction public. We were admitting to anyone who walked into that gallery that we had come from a very dark past. However, admitting that also gave the people who came to see the show permission to admit that the place they were coming from had shadows of its own.

I was so inspired by the stories they told and I was humbled to realize that I was someone lucky enough to hear them. It also felt good to know that I was part of a creative catalyst that gave people the opportunity to come together and acknowledge their journeys. We shared our clean time anniversaries. We talked about that moment we knew we needed help. We remembered the people who helped us on this path of recovery and the people whose journey ended too soon. One person told me that this was the best way they could think of to spend their first day sober.

This was a transformational experience. It was an experience I could not have done without the help of my friends Ryan Soberg and Markus Ironwood. I could not have done this without the help of Magus Books and Herbs in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I could not have accomplished this without each of the artists who took the risk to step out of the shadows and gave of themselves to create the work that made healing happen. This would have been impossible without the people who decided to go out on a cold and wet autumn day to appreciate the work of others.

Most of all, it couldn’t have happened if I was still living a life of addiction.

There Are Many Paths to Recovery. Mine is on the Path of the Left.

If you have found me on Facebook or if you know me from Minnesota’s Left Hand Path Community, you will know that I am an addict and an alcoholic living a life of recovery. I have created a meeting structure that supports a Left Hand Path approach to addiction recovery in Minneapolis, and now meetings are beginning to form in Rochester, New York and Saint Louis, Missouri.


If you have spent any time in the traditional recovery meeting rooms, you know the mantra of the 12 Step program is that it is a “spiritual but not religious” organization. If you have paid attention to the meetings while you were in those rooms, you know that this mantra is not often followed. The meetings may be “spiritual”, however many of the members of the meetings are “religious” and feel the need to spread their message of how their God rescued them in their darkest hours. Many meetings begin to resemble church services, and often Big Book study groups become like Bible study as trusted servants of these meetings let them run unchecked.


I realized the importance of a Left Hand Path based recovery meeting when I was harassed after attending an AA meeting. I went alone to a large meeting in Minneapolis one Saturday night. When the group stood to say the Serenity Prayer, I stood as well. When the group began reciting the Lord’s Prayer, I sat down. As a Satanist and someone who believes that Alcoholics Anonymous should be a spiritual program and not a religious one, I took my seat in protest to what I felt was a religious statement. I endured the stares and looks of judgement during the recitation of the prayer, and then gathered up my belongings once the meeting ended.

I was walking through the dark parking lot when I was approached by three men who wanted to inform me that sitting during the Lord’s Prayer was unacceptable behavior. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for them, I am not easily intimidated, even in a situation like this where I felt threatened. I let them know my feelings on the matter of their prayer. I told them that the recitation of the Lord’s Prayer was an endorsement of one religious path over many. When they pressed the issue, I told them to fuck off, got in my car and drove away. When I got home I emailed my local occult book store, Magus Books and Herbs, and asked if I could host a recovery meeting in their classroom that would be welcoming to those
of us who walk the Path of the Left. Their response was an overwhelming “yes”.

I posted the announcement of the Left Hand Path Addiction Recovery meeting on our Minnesota’s Left Hand Path Community Facebook Page and within 4 days we had over 25,000 post views and messages
from around the world. Most of the messages were positive.


I didn’t know what to expect that cold Wednesday evening in January, 2017 when I walked into Magus Books for our first meeting. The staff at Magus helped me set up 10 chairs. We all had a feeling that we were being wishful in thinking that we would fill them. We ended up having to find more chairs as 18 grateful addicts and alcoholics joined us that night. Each one of them was incredibly relieved that they had found a meeting where they could say the name of their higher power out loud without fear, ridicule or judgement. Now we offer two meetings. We meet Wednesday evenings at 7PM and Monday afternoons at 12:30 in the gallery space at Magus Books and Herbs.

I am currently writing a book outlining the theory behind the meeting. The book covers how to get a Left Hand Path Addiction Recovery meeting started and how to run it effectively.

Recently I was interviewed on a podcast called Witches and Wine, hosted by the beautiful and talented Chaweon Koo.

https://youtu.be/CVKnVA95CQk

In the interview, we talked about Satanic and Left Hand Path philosophy and how the approach taken in the addiction recovery meetings I started resonates with those of us living within these paradigms. I posted the link to the interview in an addiction recovery room on Facebook and received this comment.


This person believed that they couldn’t be in recovery and be a Satanist at the same time. Seriously! They felt that in order to find recovery they needed to change their religious views and accept the G-O-D named repeatedly in the Big Book. Someone may argue that this was a misinterpretation of the verbiage of the Big Book and that it is not the intent of 12 Step programs to come across in this manner. However, the truth is many people avoid these meetings because of the religious message so prevalent in the rooms and in the pages of the Big Book.

Now these people have another option in their recovery.

The following is my recovery statement I read on the 6th anniversary of my sobriety. I shared it at the Wednesday night Left Hand Path Addiction Recovery meeting, where I felt safe saying the names of the higher powers that influenced my journey of recovery.

Six years ago, on May 31, 2013 I hit bottom, again. I walked into my kitchen and picked up a bottle of bourbon, and as I was about to pour it into my glass for the fifth time that night, I realized I was an alcoholic. In that moment I was frozen with fear. I knew recovery. I had done my time in treatment in the late 80’s as a drug addict. 1986 was the last time I used heroin. I had a one night relapse in 1998 with cocaine, but I never realized I was an alcoholic until May 31, 2013 when I went to pour bourbon in my glass.

What do you do when you realize that your life is out of control and that you are slowly destroying yourself? You call your best friend. She came to my house that night and helped me take every bottle of wine and spirits out of my cabinet and she listened to me.

I knew what I had to do. It didn’t make peeling off every emotional scab I had ever formed to get to the root of my addiction any easier. I began going to meetings again. I found a sponsor and started doing step work again. I found a therapist and with her help I began to go through a deep inner journey to the depths of my soul.

The week before I had my realization in the kitchen that night, I had been dreaming of huge figures moving under water. I could see their shapes underneath the waves and I could hear them calling me. It was clear some message was trying to get through.

I called another friend who had interpreted my dreams before and she told me of La Baleine and La Sirene. “They want to show you something deep inside yourself” was what she told me. This is when I stepped into the dark waters of my soul and gave myself permission to allow La Baleine to bring me down to La Sirene so I could look into Her mirror and see what was under the surface of my soul that was causing me so much pain.

La Baleine carries the messages held deep inside our darkest places up to the surface where they can be seen in the light. I saw Her messages reflected in the mirror of La Sirene, a liminal goddess, and the mirror She held up to me was a threshold. To cross that threshold would mean stepping into my darkness in order to reignite that light inside myself. It had burned vividly before but somehow I had lost its brilliance and that flame had gone cold. I allowed these two Lwa, who had been so persistent in
my dreams, to come into my life and hold my hand through my recovery. Combining Their healing energy with the understanding that Satan, as I know Them wants nothing more for us than to live to our highest potential, I embarked upon my journey of recovery with these powerful forces to guide me.

I am grateful to everyone who has walked this journey by my side. I am especially grateful for the ones who picked me up, held me up and let me lean on them when I felt I couldn’t go forward on my own. I could list you all, but that list would be miles long.

I do want to thank that special friend of mine who came to me at my darkest hour. She shall remain nameless as to protect her identity. I also want to thank my son, Jakob, who was often the only thing in my life that I felt the need to go on living for. Without your love I wouldn’t be here today.

If any of you struggle with recovery, and believe that you must sacrifice your spiritual paradigm in order to find healing, I stand as proof that there are many paths to recovery. Mine is on the Left Hand Path.


The Satanic Closet: Being Outed Verses Gracefully Walking Through the Door and Down The Left Hand Path With Pride

We tend to think of coming out as a term used in lgbtq+ circles, but in the Satanic world it’s a concept we are also familiar with.  Being outed is an invasion of privacy and a violation of one’s free will to choose when and if they wish to disclose their Satanic affiliation.  It creates a plethora of problems for the person being outed; legal, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual.  The act of outing someone has been used by weak people as a weapon of destruction, wielded unmercifully when their egos have been bruised.  They strike at what they believe to be the jugular of the Satanist; their very identity.

 There are many reasons a Satanist stays in the closet. We live in world where spiritual and religious affiliations can carry legal and social repercussions. In some countries, simply being associated with Satanism can cost you your head.  Disclosing a parent’s Satanic affiliation during divorce or separation has resulted Satanic parents losing custody of their children.  It has caused harassment in the workplace and it has cost people their livelihood.  Everyone has their own reasoning as to why they wish to keep their identity and affiliation private.  Being outed takes your control away from your own life’s narrative without your consent.

 Many use pseudonyms.  Employing the use of an alias can be a helpful way to camouflage your identity when engaging in in social media or public speaking engagements where you don’t want your true name and identity revealed. Speaking, writing or publishing under an alias is a common remedy to disguise your identity when your work will be under a public microscope, leaving you vulnerable to threats.

 Jezebel Pride is a moniker I’ve assumed to keep the crazies at bay.   I am a single woman, living alone, but also living publicly as a Satanist.  Because I am often called on to speak about the subject of Satanism and the Left Hand Path, and because I live alone and my mortgage is a matter of public record, I often employ my alias as a way to deter the hateful and often threatening attention I sometimes receive as a result of my path and my work. While I have been using my actual name more and more, when I know I will be speaking at events that will draw an overly righteous group of religious zealots, Jezebel does the talking.

 Besides using my pseudonym, I take other precautions to protect myself.  Before I agree to an interview, I do a little investigating on the interviewer.  I make sure the person is who they say they are and I get a feeling of the direction they are going to take the interview in.  I agree to a list of questions or topics to be discussed and I don’t deviate from it if I don’t feel comfortable.  I take a friend along when I’m doing an in person interview; a great big, intimidating friend.  I take threats seriously, and I report them to the police.  I also know my neighbors and they keep an eye on my home and car.  

 I also have been trained to defend myself.

 Being outed, against one’s will is to suffer a despicable attempt of someone trying to cut a person down at the ankle and then standing on their body to elevate a weak conscious.  It is an act of cowardice by a person with no better means at ending a conflict or a disagreement than to permanently do damage to another’s reputation. If you aren’t ready to step out of the Satanic closet it can be a terrifying shock.  You are suddenly vulnerable to the misinterpretations your spiritual path has endured at the hands of people who haven’t taken the time or energy to understand it.  Their misconceptions are based in fear rooted in the church’s dogma and from societal influences like the Satanic Panic of the 1980’s.  These misconceptions couldn’t be further from the truth.  

 I was recently on the receiving end of a vain attempt to out me.  I was commenting on a post in an addiction recovery support group on Facebook where a woman asked if it was possible to be in recovery without god.  I was telling her about secular addiction recovery groups and how to find them in her area when a woman going by the name MissPamela Ann Miller chimed in.  MissPamela Ann Miller, by all accounts was a Christian and she was making it known in that ALL CAPS way that the only way to recovery was by the grace of god.  That god.  Her god.  We debated for a short time, as people with differing philosophies do in Facebook comment threads, when suddenly she posts a screen shot of my profile picture and goes on about my Satanic affiliations in the post’s comment thread.

 I didn’t deny my spiritual path.  I didn’t stand on a soapbox and preach it either.  I did check her profile to see just how far she had pushed the bar and low and behold, there was the screen shot of my profile page with a caption that read:

 

“What yall think about this chick? would you listen to anything she had to say about how to achieve recovery and to leave Jesus out of it I don’t think I would LOL”

 At first I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach as I wondered just how far this would pay out.  I cringed, wondering how many of her friends would repost my profile.  I speculated how many ugly messages would begin to flood my inbox.  Would I receive threats?  If so, would any hold weight?  Did I need to be worried for my safety?  These are all legitimate concerns, especially since I am a single woman who lives alone.  

 What MissPamela Ann Miller didn’t realize is that I was already out of the Satanic Closet.  I had spent 2 years as the media liaison for the Minneapolis chapter of The Satanic Temple, and I had done numerous television and press interviews for TST Minneapolis.  I was also the United States chapter head for the Church of Rational Satanism out of the United Kingdom.  Both TST and CoRS are internationally recognized Satanic organizations.  At the time MissPamela Ann Miller decided to try to trash my reputation, I was one of the founding members of Minnesota’s Left Hand Path Community and I’ve become known around Minneapolis as “That Satan Lady”.  I had been a speaker at the International Left Hand Path Consortium and Paganicon, and I had been interviewed on the topic of addiction recovery from a Left Hand Path and Satanic perspective on two well-known occult podcasts, with an interview scheduled for a third.  

 I took a screen shot of her post with the screen shot of my profile picture and posted it on my Facebook page with a caption that read:

 

“Look at me.  I’m somebody now.”

 

I posted it in a couple Satanic and Left Hand Path groups that I’m established in and then I sat back and watched the shit hit the fan for MissPamela Ann Miller.  

 Besides being reported, multiple times, for harassment and booted from the original addiction recovery support group that the screen shot was posted in, she got a chance to hear from The Legion that is the Satanic Community I am humbled to be a part of. The deluge of messages that flooded her inbox from Satanists around the world was enough for her to delete her Facebook profile.  

 If you are going to be outed in this fashion, it’s best to make sure that your profile picture is on point.  

At the time of my attempted outing the image I had up was the latest head shot of me taken while I was attending the Rochester New York’s Erotic Arts Vampire Ball, fangs and all.  My banner photo was little ‘ole me riding “Big Richard”, a giant coin operated mechanical penis on display at local bar in Minneapolis taken by one of my friends when I was out for an evening of dancing. I was wearing my hair in two big dreadlocked horns and was dressed in a gorgeous black pentagram dress and a pair of fantfuckingtastic knee-high black leather boots over fish net stockings.   If she had the audacity to venture into the depths of my profile she would have discovered that the theme of my Facebook feed is sex, Satan, references to penises and photographs of my adorable pit bull/boxer/hound rescue puppy named Larry.

 I was lucky.  I was outed when I was already out of the Satanic closet.  It still left me with a sickening feeling in my stomach, however, just by the vulnerability the act of being displayed against and without knowledge of my will created in me.  I decided to use this act of aggression to capitalize on the addiction recovery work that has been at the heart and soul of my magical and spiritual calling.  I posted the video of my interview with Chaweon Koo on her podcast “Witches and Wine” and the interview I did with Markus Ironwood on his “Arcane Academy” podcast.  Both go into detail on how a person with a Satanic or Left Hand Path paradigm can find empowering and supportive recovery community.  After that I shared the Narcan Training I was hosting with Minnesota’s Left Hand Path Community, Magus Books and Herbs and Valhalla Place as well as information on the LHP Addiction Recovery Meetings I started in Minneapolis.  I figured anyone trolling my Facebook page would understand that I am a strong Satanic woman who is serious about helping people recover within their own Left Hand Path spiritual paradigm.

 If you find yourself a victim of someone trying to out you, don’t panic.  It’s not the end of the world, although it may seem like it at the time. If you are concerned that your safety or your family’s wellbeing is at risk by this accusation, absolutely take appropriate measures, but don’t pack all your shit up and vacate the family farm.  

 Take a look at the situation, realistically.  If you are feeling like a Satanic goat in the headlights, call a trusted friend to help you see the situation for what it is. Their perspective may be just what is needed.  Their presence and knowledge of you and the situation you are in may be a comfort.  Because they are looking at the situation from the outside, they may be able to ground you in the reality of what is going on in a calm and rational way that helps you look at all your options.  The problem may not be as overwhelming as it seems.

 Then take a moment to assess what it means to you to be truly Satanic and exactly how far in the Satanic Closet you were living.  Was this serving your greater good?  Was hiding your spiritual beliefs contributing to your highest potential?  Had you been out to some and vaguely shrouded to others?  Had you been planning to come out eventually, but this forced your hand?  Are your fears and concerns warranted?   Look at all these questions carefully.  Remember to keep breathing and don’t panic.  We fear that which we don’t know or understand. See where you stand with all of this and then move accordingly with the grace, strength and dignity of a Satanist.

 Take a look at the person who outed you.  Nothing excuses the act of taking away someone’s right to their own narrative, but still, take a good hard look at that little piece of shit that decided to do this to you. What role have they played in your life?  What was the intent of their action?  What is their level of credibility to the people they outed you too?  Are the people they directed your outing at going to be able to see the writing on the wall?   This is a good opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to people in your life.  It’s also a chance to spread a little light of the Black Flame to the dim an uneducated.  Some people set themselves up for a ‘schooling, and you know what you are talking about.  If you feel it would benefit you, confront the person that disrespected your right to privacy and let them know just how you feel.  Respectively, if you are confronted by the people they disclosed your private information to, you can choose to admit or deny based on your own situation.  You don’t owe anyone anything.  If you aren’t ready to disclose your Satanic identity then tell them that your spiritual path is your own and that their opinion of it doesn’t matter to you.  Remember that there is nothing wrong with being a Satanic person.  You have not committed a crime, at least in most countries, by identifying with a Satanic paradigm.

 

And then crush the little shit that created this mess in the most beautiful way you can.  By owning it with your head held high so that beautiful crown of knowledge and righteousness doesn’t slip.